Ann Wilkie Arens

THE BALANCE OF GIVING AND RECEIVING

Sitting with friends for a leisurely breakfast our conversation turned to giving. Our talk flowed from the need of people to give more to one another to the fun of finding the perfect gift. The conversation then meandered to receiving as we reminisced about our childhood in early November when the extra-thick and brightly colored J.C. Penney or Sears holiday catalog was delivered in the mailbox. Everyone’s eyes lit up and we couldn’t stop laughing as we remembered the delight of paging through the catalog’s toy section, many times more than once, and either strategically or wildly circling all the items that we wanted for Christmas.

A spark of insight hit me at the end of our conversation. As an adult I cherish being able to give, be it a compliment, a gift, or time. However, receiving is much more difficult. The memory of receiving the holiday catalog made me realize this was one of the special times in my life when I felt the full-body, unabashed excitement and joy of receiving. This made me wonder what changed and it piqued my interest in the contrast that giving and receiving bring to our lives.

On a spectrum, giving and receiving can be viewed as opposing acts. What makes this pairing interesting is that their oppositional force relies on the other in a continuous flow…you can’t have one without the other. There also seems to be an underlying leaning in our culture toward perceiving giving with a more positive light and receiving with less reverence.

I was curious to understand what others thought about these two acts in their lives. So, I began a two-week, informal research study asking others if they would rather give or receive. I chatted with 40 people aged 15 to 82, from a variety of backgrounds, regarding what they would prefer to do: to give or to receive.

To Give:

Overwhelmingly, 38 people said they would rather give. For many, their answer was quick and purposeful. There were those who stated that giving is what they love to do, and it was how they were raised. Others said they just felt more comfortable giving than receiving. Some noted our world needs more love and giving is a way of making a difference. A mid-30-year-old noted that he has always preferred to give. In his younger years giving was fueled to make himself feel better and as he entered his later-20’s it transformed into the gratification of seeing others find growth and progress. He added that once his perception changed toward supporting others, his social media presence greatly declined. Another said giving was part of their Enneagram-type and it is what gives them happiness and energy. Some people noted they like to give compliments or do small acts of kindness as it was a way of making a day more special for someone else. Overall, the act of giving provided a positive sense of contributing, supporting, and making a difference for others and many acknowledged it was much easier to do than receiving.

Research supports these insights. When being generous by giving gifts, donating money, or giving of one’s time, studies acknowledge the feeling of warmth and happiness felt by the giver. This is due to an increased exchange within brain areas that process social information and the sense of pleasure by releasing the neurotransmitter dopamine. (1) The act of giving or helping another can also bring feelings of stress and anxiety especially if it is unclear that the receiver will appreciate gift. However, part of the magic of finding and giving a gift to someone special is that it weaves in the benefit of social connection which helps release the neuropeptide oxytocin. The benefit of this to the giver is that it cues extended feelings of safety, trust and connection. (1) Giving support to others is also shown to increase our health and wellbeing through reduced stress, increased autonomy, and can bring people closer together. (2) With the strong psychological benefits that giving provide, it Is not a surprise that the act of giving is the choice for most people.

To Receive:

On the other end of the spectrum, there were two people in the group of 40 who confirmed that receiving was their choice act. One stated that “gifts” were their love language and to receive a thoughtful gift from another made them feel thought of and loved. The second felt the act of receiving cultivated gratitude in them and served as a reminder to treat others well. Interestingly, one remark that came up multiple times was that people felt uncomfortable receiving. Some pointed out that they were tongue-tied after they received an act of kindness and that made them feel awkward. Others said receiving is an area they had to work on because it didn’t seem to come naturally to them. A few people who had lived outside the United States noted that other countries look at receiving as a natural part of life and experiencing this made it much easier to receive. The act of receiving, too, brought up unexpected emotions. One person, who went through a successful disease treatment, said that the many messages and gifts received were at times overwhelming, and receiving this attention instigated a variety of emotions that were not anticipated. I had a transformative receiving experience when my mom was in her last weeks of hospice. As I was about to leave one evening, I looked at my phone and was overwhelmed when I saw a Door Dash gift card texted from a friend. It reminded me that even when receiving is not requested, it can be deeply appreciated.

Finding out why many of us feel uncomfortable receiving is a focus of books and research. Studies have found if one receives in a different way than expected, there may be a feeling of being indebted or it can make the receiver feel as if something distressing or negative happened. On the other hand, research has also shown that receiving can be good for us. Just as with giving, receiving can activate dopamine and produce happiness along with the feeling of being loved. (1) A great view on how to maximize receiving is from Dr. Rosalyn Dischiavo in her book, The Deep Yes, The Lost Art of True Receiving. She states, “One reason receiving is so difficult for people is that we perceive (correctly) that letting people in makes us vulnerable. What I have learned, is that taking in is a rare gift, not only to myself, but to everyone around me. Healing came when I was willing to let myself be vulnerable enough to accept love, support, and compassion into my body, heart and soul. I have learned that the more deeply I surrender into receiving, the greater and more pervasive my joy becomes.” (3)

We all balance the actions of giving and receiving each day. Becoming aware of how you access each in your life can be eye opening and helpful. As most people find giving the easier act to do, it is a comfort to know that there are ways to increase the ease of receiving in your life. The most remarkable gift is being able to say yes to both, as you will feel the benefits of elevated health, happiness and connection.

Novotney, A. (2022, December 9). What happens in your brain when you give a gift? https://www.apa.org/topics/mental-health/brain-gift-giving
Inagaki TK, Bryne Haltom KE, Suzuki S, Jevtic I, Hornstein E, Bower JE, Eisenberger NI. The Neurobiology of Giving Versus Receiving Support: The Role of Stress-Related and Social Reward-Related Neural Activity. Psychosom Med. 2016 May;78(4):443-53. doi: 10.1097/PSY.0000000000000302. PMID: 26867078; PMCID: PMC4851591.
Rosalyn Dischiavo, Dr., The Deep Yes: The Lost Art of True Receiving (Spanda Press, 2016), pp.7, 10.